Having a downer of a day?

March 06, 2008 07:29 pm

— ON SECOND THOUGHT
By Carol Ferguson

Pamela Aye Simon has written a book designed to cheer folks up when they’re feeling glum.
Her book is not the usual kind of syrupy, mundane message that clutters up bookstore shelves. No indeed. This is a collection of Simon’s wry observations on all aspects of life — kind of a jump-start for your sense of humor.
It’s designed from a woman’s point of view, but stick with us, guys. You’ll also find it amusing.
The title alone deserves a prize : “The Book of Blah.”
“Life feels softer if you can see the humorous story behind your frustrations,” the author says. “Laughing may not make the problem itself disappear, but it sure helps make things seem better.”
Apparently there is some scientific basis for her views. Laughter is said to boost the interferon levels of the immune systems, relax muscles, help reduce blood pressure and encourage deep breathing.
Even the Bible seems to agree with this outlook: “All the days of the afflicted are evil: but he that is of a merry heart hath a continual feast” — Proverbs 15:15.
Simon tackles a variety of topics she has reflected on over the years — maturing, sanity, electronics, sports, diet, clothing, shopping and driving.
I especially enjoyed her views on goals:
“When I was young and single, I considered it a good day if I accomplished my tasks as perfectly as possible. I always strove for excellence and self-discipline. But I’m older and wiser now, and I’ve a family of my own. My goals are different. Now, I consider it a good day if I am fully dressed and if my shoes match.”
For apartment dwellers, Simon hits on the inadequacy of the buildings’ balconies: “Each is small in its own way. Mine has room enough for two chairs. However, with the chairs in place, there’s no room to walk over to the chairs. You have to jump from the sliding porch doors into the chair of your choice. This really works out perfectly, unless you overshoot your target chair ... No wonder porches have railings.”
On the increasingly complicated world of electronics: “I’m really scared. What is an IPOD? Do I need one for survival? Do I? Tell me quick!”
Have you ever longed to be self-employed? Here’s her take on it: “Being self-employed is everything I thought it would be. I have no one to answer to, and no specific work hours. I can sleep late and work late. I report to me, and me only. It’s a lot of responsibility to be my best, but I like my work. Now, if only I could make some money.”
And about those ubiquitous height and weight tables, she asks: “Did you ever wonder where they originated? No one seems to know. Some people say an insurance company came up with them in the ‘60s. I contend the tables were fabricated by some bald, skinny, bored man who needed a job and hated women.”
She’s in a quandary about low-fat foods: “I can’t figure out whether low-fat cheese should be considered a food item or a plastic product. Low-fat cheese is somewhat edible, but when it’s heated, it bends instead of melts. It tastes like plastic. Interesting. I guess the human body CAN digest plastic. It’s amazing what the human body can do, and even more amazing that we make the body HAVE to do it.”
Simon has her own rules of etiquette for proper shopping. Rule No. 1 is “Don’t ever try to squeeze, slip, or sneak in front of me to see the same rack of clothes I’m viewing, or you’ll end up on the floor, and you won’t know what hit you. Yes, I’m THAT good!”
She must have been reading my mind when she opined on parking spaces: “I always honor the wheelchair or disabled parking spaces. I can walk. I don’t need to park really close to the building. But where are the special spaces for confused people? There are days when I feel confused and virtually overloaded. Finding my car after leaving a store can take a really long time. If I could park in a space reserved for confused people, I might be able to find my car before I start weeping.”
The author is a certified weight management counselor and fitness trainer for older adults. She holds advanced degrees in nutrition, and lives in Arlington Heights, Ill., with her family and various rescued animals. Clearly she knows a thing or two about stress.
Simon’s book is available at www.amazon.com and www.borders.com.
I think I’ll keep my copy handy, and on “those” days I’ll remember what the old childhood game taught us:
“Simon says ...”

Ferguson is a feature writer for the Herald-Banner.